About Falling Apart

It’s 18 days until my husband and I will participate in the March of Dimes March for Babies in honor of the life and death of our son Izzy who passed away on January 25, 2016 due to bilateral renal agenesis, a fatal birth defect when a baby lacks kidneys. I’m pushing myself to write and post on the blog each day until the walk—some days a little and maybe some days a lot—in hopes of shedding light on issues like miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss so that other women who go through these types of things know that they’re not alone. Please share this post generously to spread awareness!

There’s no avoiding it.

It may be after being on a motivational high all week. You may feel like you can conquer the world. You may feel like a true badass. You will refuse to be a tragedy. For 13 weeks you managed to carry a baby in your womb that you knew would die in your arms, if not before. You will pronounce yourself victorious because you have been through a type of hell on earth and survived. You will pat yourself on the back for being able to dream again instead of staring in the dark all night. You will declare yourself a survivor because your heart has been broken, but is still beating. You will praise God because you wanted to die, but found several reasons to live. You will tell yourself that you are the real M.V.P.

Then, out of nowhere, you will fall absolutely, ridiculously apart. Snot will run down into your mouth. Your eyes will be bloodshot. You will groan like a sick, old man on his death bed. You will hold your pillow desperate to hold your baby for a minute longer. You will want to crawl as far underneath a rock as humanly possible and completely disappear. You will feel like the trash at the very bottom of an Indiana landfill.

You will fall apart. And it’s ok.

“Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
    when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
    the Lord will be a light to me.”

                                 -Micah 7:8 ESV

My family and I would love for you to donate to our March for Babies campaign! Any amount no matter how small may help other families of premature infants. Click here and know that we’re so thankful for you!

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